Anxiety strikes back: I’m 23.

This is my first mental health post I have done in a while. It might not make sense to you. Then again … anxiety, depression doesn’t make sense. Please bare with me as it’s hard for me to post.
I’m 23. I’m walking to the doctors. The same route I use to walk to my exes house. My heart rate goes up. I can’t breathe. My eyes start to go teary. Fuck, this heat isn’t helping. Why is everyone looking at me ?!…

My body starts to shake and feels heavy. I’m 17 again. I’m isolated, alone, confused, angry. Used and abused by the same guy who claims to love me. I just want everyone to go away. I’m back to feeling the way I did when I was 17 and I hate it. I can’t stand it. Cars and people are rushing by me, but I’m not in the same world as they are. I’m disconnected, living in the past.

Im back home. I’m 23 again. I’m exhausted. I’m pushed to my limits and I’m drained. I’m wearing the scars someone else inflicted on me. I’m 23 and I’ve lived more than most. I sure it’s a blessing in disguise.

X

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Just another day..

Yes today I am feeling totally crap again!! I’ve just had a lovely week Off with Mr. J but I still feel low.

I feel like I’ve lost my balance. I was meditating and reading tarot cards and runes (accident rocks things) to get a sense of wellbeing and balance in my life, I was doing something positive for myself. It was making me feel “In control” and a gave me a sense of direction.. I hope you understand!

Now? Its seems everyone else comes first and yet again my needs get pushed a side. Friends and family? They need me right now as issues are going on. so no time for myself. Work? Expect me to work without breaks or any extra pay for over time. How charming is that! Relationship? Don’t get me started..

I’m being pushed to my limits again. My self-esteem and confidence is suffering and I just want to give in ..! I thought I was doing so well, no it’s all come back

Self destructive

I am a true believer of the saying(s), “to see the most beautiful side of you, you must first see the most ugly.” Etc…

I have always been self destructive, ok since my late teens. I have choosen the wrong people to hang out with, have a relationship with. Done things before i was ready. Put myslelf im dangerous situatuons, self harmed. I have taken stupid risks that i am glad havent affected my life now.

To understand what i mean you need to know that i am two extremes. I am either the shy or loud girl, the slut or the dignified girl, the party or stay at home girl. I’m never both.

When i was 13 i had this good girl image to live up to. Was i happy? No. When i turnt 16 i took it as a chance to change everything about me. I dyed my hair, got my nose pierced, lost my virginity and started smoking/drinking.

I got kicked out of home so many times that i had my suitcase always packed. I liked the attention, the rumours. Of course there was times it hurt, but at least I wasnt the good girl anymore! Everything i did was to destroy the 13 year old me.

Now at 22, i have a job, a long term boyfriend, my hair is my. natural colour and i havent had any tattoos/piercings for a long time.
After all these years i am still not comfortable with who I am. I feel plain/boring.

Just before christmas i had a bad day. I sat in the rain at a train station, crying. I wanted to get on the train, run away and re invent myself. And never come home again. I was close. But instead went to the doctors to collect my anti depresants. 

I want to know i’m not alone. Has anyone else ever felt like this…?

I can’t sleep.

Ok. So it’s not late here (10:45pm). But for another night I’m riddled with fears and anxieties. I feel like my  life is a mess when it’s not.

I stress over everything, nothing feels right. When i do sleep it’s just light burst which are filled with nightmares. I’m loosing my “spark”, i feel dull. I can’t hear what people say to me because my mind is always else where.

I miss sleeping next to my boyfriend. It helps. But I don’t want to depend on him, i’m independent. See the problem? I’m so full of doubt. I hate people i shouldn’t, i blame certain people for the issues i’m facing.

I can’t sleep.

Staying true to myself

Today has been a difficuilt day. Work was stessful as always and i feel like i’ve barely had time to rest/relax/take it easy.

I may be 22, but I know who I am and what I want out of life. I have people in my life (that may not unserstand) who respect my lifesyle and the way I am.

When I was 16 i was drinking everyday. To this day I still don’t know why. Teenage rebillion? Boredom? To feel like an adult? To fit in? Depession?

When I was 18 i met a guy who saw through my bull. I got diganosed with depression. This was the day i knew i had to put myself first, for my mental health. I have been on/off medication to this day.

For the most part i do put myself first and I try not to over do it. But today … my mate asked me to go out friday night to drink with her. I love her. I want to have fun with her and support her lifestyle… i feel guilty everytime i say no.

I love drinking/having fun. I just do it in a different way now… i don’t drink to forget, to fit in, to pretend i’m ok when i’m not. I just enjoy the taste. Maybe i’m boring? Old before my time? Maybe I just love myself now or been in a relationship too long?

Thoughts pleasee xx

Aside

About to snap

“Well done, you should be proud of your work preformance, time off for depression did you good….” wow. Nice to know my hard work is getting noticed, but it took what my manager called *a breakdown* for him to notice it…! I’ve had a shitty few days, loads of health issues to deal with, having to pretend I’m deaing with everything fine. I should be getting support from my partner of 3 years.. But Nope, I have to also do all his housework (he lives with his mum… So I shouldn’t have to!). I think I’m taking on way too much at once but have no support. Am I over rwacting? Only thing that keeps me sane is this blog and you guys… Thanks x