I am a true believer of the saying(s), “to see the most beautiful side of you, you must first see the most ugly.” Etc…
I have always been self destructive, ok since my late teens. I have choosen the wrong people to hang out with, have a relationship with. Done things before i was ready. Put myslelf im dangerous situatuons, self harmed. I have taken stupid risks that i am glad havent affected my life now.
To understand what i mean you need to know that i am two extremes. I am either the shy or loud girl, the slut or the dignified girl, the party or stay at home girl. I’m never both.
When i was 13 i had this good girl image to live up to. Was i happy? No. When i turnt 16 i took it as a chance to change everything about me. I dyed my hair, got my nose pierced, lost my virginity and started smoking/drinking.
I got kicked out of home so many times that i had my suitcase always packed. I liked the attention, the rumours. Of course there was times it hurt, but at least I wasnt the good girl anymore! Everything i did was to destroy the 13 year old me.
Now at 22, i have a job, a long term boyfriend, my hair is my. natural colour and i havent had any tattoos/piercings for a long time.
After all these years i am still not comfortable with who I am. I feel plain/boring.
Just before christmas i had a bad day. I sat in the rain at a train station, crying. I wanted to get on the train, run away and re invent myself. And never come home again. I was close. But instead went to the doctors to collect my anti depresants.
I want to know i’m not alone. Has anyone else ever felt like this…?