Self destructive

I am a true believer of the saying(s), “to see the most beautiful side of you, you must first see the most ugly.” Etc…

I have always been self destructive, ok since my late teens. I have choosen the wrong people to hang out with, have a relationship with. Done things before i was ready. Put myslelf im dangerous situatuons, self harmed. I have taken stupid risks that i am glad havent affected my life now.

To understand what i mean you need to know that i am two extremes. I am either the shy or loud girl, the slut or the dignified girl, the party or stay at home girl. I’m never both.

When i was 13 i had this good girl image to live up to. Was i happy? No. When i turnt 16 i took it as a chance to change everything about me. I dyed my hair, got my nose pierced, lost my virginity and started smoking/drinking.

I got kicked out of home so many times that i had my suitcase always packed. I liked the attention, the rumours. Of course there was times it hurt, but at least I wasnt the good girl anymore! Everything i did was to destroy the 13 year old me.

Now at 22, i have a job, a long term boyfriend, my hair is my. natural colour and i havent had any tattoos/piercings for a long time.
After all these years i am still not comfortable with who I am. I feel plain/boring.

Just before christmas i had a bad day. I sat in the rain at a train station, crying. I wanted to get on the train, run away and re invent myself. And never come home again. I was close. But instead went to the doctors to collect my anti depresants. 

I want to know i’m not alone. Has anyone else ever felt like this…?


Curvy Kate Portia review.

When I first saw the bra when it arrived I must admit, my heart sunk. The colour is so bright! I tend to stick to black or dark purple or green.


But when I tried it on, I was thrilled to find it actually suits me! It’s certinaly a brave choice for me. Who doesn’t need colour in their lingiere draw?! The watermelon and plum work beautifully together with a cute criss cross pattern. The material is soft and breatable/light. Portia is a unpadded balcony bra.

I am so happy to say that this bra fits me like a dream! Before CK I was convinced I needed a boob job as NO bra fitted me. I hated my boobs. The 32 band is firm so lifts my boobs into place and the E cup gives them a nice rounded but naturual shape. I stay in the cups. The wire sits low on the underarm which I find way more comfortable.  This Portia bra comes with fully adjustable straps which is a must for me.

The thong in a size 10 is also a great fit as I find CK runs tight in breifs. I LOVE this set. It is not a “sexy bra” but it’s not your plain “everyday bra” either. It’s very colourful/bright/playful and super pretty.

This set fits me better than the Romance set in my opinion, but i am still crazy about Romance! All my other bras from Boux Avenue (aside from 2..maybe) have now been put to shame by Portia as it has shown me what a bra should really fit like!

Go to amazon to buy this set. It’s been reduced.. xx

Curvy Kate Romance Review.

Seeing as Curvy Kate had a sell on Amazon. I decided to treat myself to the Romance Bra and Thong set in “plum/Watermelon.”
As soon as I saw the colour of it, i feel in love


The purple and pink look stunning together! And when you put it on it’s so comfortable… it’s easily sexy!! The band felt firm and the cup material is so soft but supportive.

My normal size of 34DD has now changed to 32E/F. I ordered a size 32E. I love the shape this set gives me. It lifts them up and gives them a “round look” like i find most CK bras do. The straps are fully adjustable which is great for my teeny thiny shoulders.

The thong is also comfy yet sexy. I decided to go for a size 10 (normal size 8) as I find CK brief run tight. I’m glad I did as i felt perfect and made me feel good about my figure.

All all I can say is Curvy Kate sell miracles!! ♡
Next review: CK watermelon/plum Portia set (32E/10).

I can’t sleep.

Ok. So it’s not late here (10:45pm). But for another night I’m riddled with fears and anxieties. I feel like my  life is a mess when it’s not.

I stress over everything, nothing feels right. When i do sleep it’s just light burst which are filled with nightmares. I’m loosing my “spark”, i feel dull. I can’t hear what people say to me because my mind is always else where.

I miss sleeping next to my boyfriend. It helps. But I don’t want to depend on him, i’m independent. See the problem? I’m so full of doubt. I hate people i shouldn’t, i blame certain people for the issues i’m facing.

I can’t sleep.

Staying true to myself

Today has been a difficuilt day. Work was stessful as always and i feel like i’ve barely had time to rest/relax/take it easy.

I may be 22, but I know who I am and what I want out of life. I have people in my life (that may not unserstand) who respect my lifesyle and the way I am.

When I was 16 i was drinking everyday. To this day I still don’t know why. Teenage rebillion? Boredom? To feel like an adult? To fit in? Depession?

When I was 18 i met a guy who saw through my bull. I got diganosed with depression. This was the day i knew i had to put myself first, for my mental health. I have been on/off medication to this day.

For the most part i do put myself first and I try not to over do it. But today … my mate asked me to go out friday night to drink with her. I love her. I want to have fun with her and support her lifestyle… i feel guilty everytime i say no.

I love drinking/having fun. I just do it in a different way now… i don’t drink to forget, to fit in, to pretend i’m ok when i’m not. I just enjoy the taste. Maybe i’m boring? Old before my time? Maybe I just love myself now or been in a relationship too long?

Thoughts pleasee xx

My first lingire review – Lola By Curvy Kate.

For those of you who don’t know, Curvy Kate is a brand of lingerie aimed at the D+ cup ladies. (

I was lucky to win a Lola set on twitter! I had never even heard of the company before. All i knew was NO bra ever fitted me right and it was bringing me to deapire.

When it arrived it looked beautiful. Its in a size 34DD. Lola is a black padded bra with cute detailing on the side. The band feels loose but still lifts my boobs. The fact that it’s padded gives them a full look. The straps are adjustable.
I now know 34DD is my wrong size so i slighty overflow the cups.

It is a gorgeous bra and the thong is also stunnying although tight in a size 8. It’s a sexy set but also “plain” enough to be an everyday bra.