Life lessons.

Since I turned 21 (all of 3 months ago, haha!), I’ve realised a LOT of things I wish I knew when I was 16.

 

1) No matter how old I am, I will always need my parents – I have found new respect, gratitude and love for both of my parents.  They will always be there for me and I have to understand I am forever their little girl, and I’m okay with that!

2) Family and friends are THE most important things – not work, money etc.

3) Loving someone is the most scary YET amazing thing a human can experience – When I was 16, I was afraid to fall in love, I had been hurt by many men and felt falling in love was a sign of my weakness. Now I tell my partner of three years that I love him and that he’s my soul mate. I’m so glad I know what love really is now..

4) Be proud – 5 years ago I would have never imaged I could do all the things I have done, I passed college, I am holding down a job, I am filled with self confidence, I have gone to new places, done new things, I have battled depression (on-going…). I am truly proud of myself for the first time in my life. I need no one else’s approval, I am me without ANY apologies or regrets!

 

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About to snap

“Well done, you should be proud of your work preformance, time off for depression did you good….” wow. Nice to know my hard work is getting noticed, but it took what my manager called *a breakdown* for him to notice it…! I’ve had a shitty few days, loads of health issues to deal with, having to pretend I’m deaing with everything fine. I should be getting support from my partner of 3 years.. But Nope, I have to also do all his housework (he lives with his mum… So I shouldn’t have to!). I think I’m taking on way too much at once but have no support. Am I over rwacting? Only thing that keeps me sane is this blog and you guys… Thanks x

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Infertility

Yesterday I recieved some great news, my friend is expecting her second baby! I was jumping and screaming for joy. I am so excited for her. Then it hit me. I can’t have kids – I won’t ever be able to experience pregnacy or childbirth. I started to feel extremely sorry for myself. I understand that there are many options for me and my boyfriend (of 3 years) to become parents, but it still hurts, alot! Always feels like theres something missing. Don’t get m wrong though, I am so happy for her and am greatful to be a part of this wonderful journey. I know someday I will be a mum, just hurts it can’t be today..

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Trust me, I’m fine…!

For anyone of you who have ever suffered a mental health issue, I wonder If you can relate.. Heres the thing, you can see obvious signs of someone is strugling to deal with mental health, so you don’t talk about it. I find if someone (most often with doctors) ask me how I am, I respond “I’m great thanks for asking!”. When I was a child I was never allowed to express sadness or anger, I was known as the *smiler* as my smile never left my face, it made others happy. Now as a fully grown adult I feel guilty if I have a bad day with depression, I have to smile, laugh, take the mick out of my self to mask the pain. Noone can hear the silent screams for help. I wish I could get over this feeling of guilt. Even the doctors have told me to put my self first, me – the people pleaser… Good luck…! X

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Social media. It can be great. Or it can lead to trouble… I woke up this morning and checked facebook on my phone (joy of technology) to discover my abbusive ex had added me. This made me shake and feel sick. A few months ago I decided to confront my ex (via facebook) to help accept the abuse I suffered and get closer etc. It was helping until his current partner emailed me with all this hate. I decided to tell my ex to block me as I felt I was doing more damage than good. I hav no idea how I’m going to deal with this but know the best *revenege* is nothing… Let him see he hasn’t ruined my day/life. Thanks for reading x

Let’s talk about Depression.

Today was meant to be a good day. The weather was nice, I have great friends, a supportive family and a loving boyfriend. My anti-depressants started 3 months ago were really working. Perfect!

Then… I went for a hearing test and discovered I had mildly lost my hearing for unsure reasons. All off a sudden I felt like my world was ending, I couldn’t stop crying, I couldn’t speak properly. Even now, three hours later I’m sat alone in this room trying not to overdose or harm myself, I thought  had broke that habit of resorting to needing to hurt myself…

You see, mental health isn’t something you get over, it’s with you for life, once you have an “episode”  you are always at risk of having another at any stage in your life. In all honesty I feel I’m coping better this time but I’m not as strong as I make out, little things set me off and it’s the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to deal with.

WHAT YOU SEE IS NOT WHAT YOU GET WITH MENTAL HEALTH SUFFERRS. I pretend I’m better, but now even the doctors can see past my smile. I anyone else feels like I do.. get help, you’ll thank me some sunny day ❤ x